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Today was one of the worst and best days of my life.

Seeing tears in Shaiz's eyes when we finally stopped fighting showed me exactly how much this all means to him. 

I love him so so so much! (:

Tired. Ask only to speak of nothing but what you don't want others to talk about. 

I love my boy :D

SATURDAY HURRY COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Haha, talked to Shaiz on the phone and somehow mentioned J. I don't know if I ever stood a chance with J but I know that I'm happy I have Shaiz now and there is no need for me to know if I ever stood a chance with J. 

I know my boy knows that he's the only one in my heart right now. The only person I would wait for a phonecall for. I love him with all my heart.

Haha, yeah this is gonna be my journal. And I'm glad not many know of this space.

Had an amazing time with the boy today. Watched One Day where I swooned over Jim Sturgess and he swooned over Anne Hathaway. HAHAHA oh we also went grocery shopping together (: Awesome stuff. 'Why don't have blueberry?' TSK, he's like a child.

Anyway, then came home and got really weird and emotional so posted on twitter and he asked what happened. LOL. This part scared me a little I guess. I mean he always sees the happy side of me because he makes me so so happy but I'm afraid he'll run if he finds out how emotional I really am. Like crying in front of him already sort of freaked him out I think. Or at least left him at a loss haha /:

Ugh, but I know that he's going to try with all his might to make this work (: Because he's awesome like this. I know I'm not easy to be with, I'm not the most amazing person. I'm not the perfect or typical sort of a girlfriend.

Was talking to Lance about him and realised I don't have to be worried about him being unfaithful because apparently he only hangs with guys and he talks about me quite a bit HAHA, so cute. Yeah :D Oh, and today we touched on a more personal memory of his and I'm glad he shared it with me (: He's not good at expressing his feelings and could tell he was a little unnerved being so naked and vulnerable but he didn't hold back. Not with me, and for that I'd say thank you. I think people always see him as this joker who fools around with everyone and is so happy go lucky but he feels alot of things and he has gone through his fair share of problems. In that way we're similar. We don't talk much about our feelings. Especially negative feelings. We keep alot of things inside.

But really, I'm really thankful for him. (:

Its about wanting to be with this person through everything in life. And I love him so so much (:

Ugh.

I really miss Shaiz. I do miss him alot these few days. So yes, I like to tweet about it and all but you know what? It irritates the hell out of me when people keep trying to tell me to get used to it, that I'm being obsessed. Sorry, but honestly you're not in my shoes. You don't get how much I depend on him. I know its not exactly a good thing but it is how it is. I rely on him and I miss him when he isn't around with me. 

So don't tell me that I should get used to it. I won't get used to it. And sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have to be getting used to it. I shouldn't have to be on the outside waiting for him. The amount of time I get to spend with him is compromised by all these factors.

I really cannot wait for the day when I end work and know for sure I'm going home to him. But for now its gonna be a distant distant dream.

My boy is making me a very very very happy girl (: I love that he's excited about doing things with me. I love that he listens to what I have to say. I love that he loves me with all his heart. I love that he makes me so sure of his love for me that I can type it out like this. 

People think its stupid. To put so much emotion into one person. Talking to Nisha and Sarali the yesterday made me realise, I put so much emotion into every person I choose to love. That's exactly why I distance myself from so many people. To a point where I want to just shut myself down emotionally sometimes but my boy makes it impossible for me to shut myself down emotionally. 

Anyway, what I really wanted to say was that sometimes you wonder why people bother loving and putting so much emotion into someone when sometimes in the end it all just goes to nothing. But then there's always that one person who wants to make you risk it. Risk being hurt, risk being vulnerable. Risk being naked again. 

So to hell with the boys who said we'd last 6 months. I love him more than anything in the world (:

Hahaha, needed somewhere to raaaaant. Good rant though.

I am high. I have no idea why but I think I'm only just fully experiencing the high from being in love with an amazing person :D He makes me the happiest person on earth. Think I've been so caught up with the job, the parents and everything that I never really got quite this high on the relationship yet but now its fully hit me.

I was becoming this person who was ready to give up on love. I was this girl who was gonna stop looking, stop thinking about finding a special someone because there was never anyone with true intentions. I also was made to believe from previous experiences that I was incapable of love and incapable of being loved. Made to believe that a girl who looks the way I do would never be loved, that a girl with her own opinions and weird train of thoughts would never be loved. Made to believe that I was not worth loving. So I gave up. You know, fuck love. 

Then all of a sudden this person comes into my life and focus shifts completely to him. It wasn't even like all the other times where it was instant sort of thing. It was like a feeling that slowly crept into me. Sneaked up on me. Just found myself thinking about him, wanting to hear from him. Best part of it all is that he loves me. From the start he loves me for exactly who I am.

And now we're here (: In a very very happy place. And I cannot be happier about being here. I'm so grateful for him. He doesn't mind compromising for me. He doesn't mind losing sleep for me. 

So I ask myself constantly, just what did I do to deserve this. Such a kind, joyful, gentle and amazing soul who loves me even when I'm at my worst. Who never fails to show, never fails to make me feel better. Who constantly makes me feel like I deserve good things, constantly make me feel so loved, unconditionally. 

There's just so much I'm feeling right now that I can barely put into words. I love him so much it makes me miss him even though its only been a day since we last met and we're meeting again tomorrow night. So because of him, I believe in love again. But more importantly, I'm slowly learning that I do deserve good things. I do deserve to be loved.

So his love has renewed me, refreshed me. Make me feel alive again.

I love you, Shaiz (:

Lanze just told me something I didn't need to know. 

Yeah, I'm insecure because why would such a fucking amazing person be doing with me?

I know he loves me, its just when you hear this sort of things it changes everything. The standards I have to live up to. I'm scared to death to love him, I'm scared to death to lose him. At every moment, even when I feel safe I feel fear around. It just lingers and everything I do that brings me closer to love seems to make me push away.

I'm afraid it'll end. I'm afraid it doesn't.
I'm afraid it'll come to the point where we have to go seperate ways one day and that would fucking hurt because we're crazy about each other.

So voices in my head, I plead with you. Just shut the fuck up this once and not ruin this for me. The first good thing in 3 years.

Please, let me love him with all that I have.